The Pit
by Archie Rice
Summary: Harry, Hermione and Malfoy stuck in a pit...I wrote this when I was fourteen when I thought syntax was something to do with calculators. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

"This is all your fault, Potter," muttered Malfoy, putting on his best hate stare. Of course it was Potter's fault. Here he was, lying at the bottom of a pit, his wand missing, and it was all Potter's fault.   
"What about your two idiots, Crabbe and Goyle?" asked Harry.   
"You can't pin the blame on them, Potter, they weren't even around." Malfoy sneered. That was a thought, the two clot-heads would probably looking for him right now. Then again, this was Crabbe and Goyle he was thinking about. "Oh, we're doomed!" he wailed. "And it's all your fault!"   
"Don't be so stupid," said Hermione. "It wasn't anybody's fault. I should have known it would be you who started pinning the blame on people." Malfoy ignored her. She was a stupid know-it-all mudblood anyway.   
"Well, Granger, you're the most intellectual person in this hole. What do you suggest we do?" he leered. Hermione remained silent. "Not sure, are we? Not so high-and-mighty without your beloved books, are we?" Harry doubted Hermione was paying much attention. Malfoy's attitude to everything was something they had all got used to. God knows how he and Hermione could have coped if this had happened when they first started.   
"I'm sure Ron will find us, he's usually very quick at noticing things going wrong," Hermione said eventually. Harry nodded in agreement. Malfoy looked disgusted at the thought of being saved by a Weasley. 

Harry was a little confused. He decided to take in everything that had happened from a critical point of view. He, Hermione and Malfoy were stuck in a very deep hole together, until somebody found them. What were the chances of their being found? Well, they were in the forest at night, so there could be a chance of a centaur finding them. But even if they were found, what could anybody do to get them out? Harry knew the centaurs had some kind of mysterious power, but did it include making kids rise up out deep pits? And that was only if they got as far as asking the centaur to get them out. He would probably just make some weird reference to the position and radiance of an unheard of planet, then wander off muttering to himself. Then there was the unpleasant thought of something other than a centaur coming across them. Like a werewolf, or something. Harry had a sneaky suspicion that if a werewolf found them, it would dive in and eat them first, then think about getting itself out later. Next unpleasant thought, what would happen to them if they got out? Yet another spot of bother for Harry Potter. He didn't think that following Malfoy into the woods to see what he was up to would extract much sympathy from any teacher. And Snape! Of all the people they could have the bad luck to be found out by, Snape would be the worst. Harry thought miserably that at least it would be interesting to see how Snape avoided punishing Malfoy. 

Hermione felt totally helpless. Yes, she knew the exact spell that could get them all out of here, but her wand had been left up on the surface during the slight scuffle with Malfoy. In fact, none of them had their wands. What was the point in living anymore? They had no way out of this wretched hole. What on earth was it doing in the forest anyway? Then Hermione had an unpleasant thought. The hole could be a trap laid by some kind of creature to catch unsuspecting wanderers. But that was a stupid thought. Most disgusting, salivating, hairy and ferocious monsters weren't clever enough to dig deep pits like this one. There must have been some kind of magic involved, otherwise whoever dug the hole wouldn't have been able to get out after reaching the bottom. So, at least she knew this had been made by some kind of wizard or witch. However, that wasn't a great deal of help, seeing as no-one other than a wizard or witch could have been here at Hogwarts. That reminded her of the school, and she was grateful that nothing exciting like a feast was going on, otherwise she'd have felt really left out. As it was, they were just missing out on precious sleep. Sleep…it seemed like Hermione had been getting anything but sleep these past few nights. Friends of Harry Potter rarely did get sleep, that was guaranteed. Hermione admitted that she did get the odd bit of excitement from creeping around in the dark, despite how much she complained about the amount of school rules they were breaking, but she also admitted it would be nice just to have a little sleep once in a while. It certainly didn't help her study. 

Malfoy had considered for a split-second shouting for help, but he knew that if he did he would be the laughing stock of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, and he'd be stared at loathingly by fellow Slytherins. He decided that none of them in the hole would start shouting before someone else did. Malfoy sat and stared at the ground, thinking up reasons for blaming Potter on getting them into this mess. It was his good luck if Snape was the first person they ran into when they got out. If they got out. One thing that made him happy was Granger's loss of her wand along with him and Potter. At least they were all equal, so he didn't have to have the embarrassment of being saved by the goody two-shoes. The only thing better than that would be if he could rescue them, but unfortunately he hadn't got his wretched wand either.   
"If I had my wand, I could get us out of here," Malfoy snarled at Harry. "But of course Harry Potter, scarface of the century, had to grab it off me and throw it helpfully into the bushes. How thoughtful of him." Harry didn't flinch.   
"You were going to petrify me!" he protested. Malfoy snorted.   
"Hardly, Potter. Just something to prevent you from breaking my neck. I mean, anybody would have tried it if they saw you, eyes widened and bloodshot, nostrils flaring, snarling like a madman, and coming straight for them." Malfoy laughed.   
"What were you doing in the woods, anyway, Malfoy?" demanded Hermione. "That's why we were following. And don't try spinning any lies about being sent on an errand by a teacher, because not even your beloved Snape would be stupid enough to send a pupil into here." Malfoy considered answering the question. If they were never to get out of here, what harm would there be in telling them? Then again, it was slightly possible that someone could stumble across them, and get them out of here somehow, and then Potter and Granger would start spinning it all around the school.   
"I'll tell you," he said carefully. "If you do me in a favour in return." Hermione rolled her eyes.   
"Forget it, Malfoy. We'll find out anyway, won't we Harry?" Harry didn't look sure.   
"I don't know, Hermione. The only people who know we're in here are Ron and Crabbe and Goyle, and this place is so large and overgrown, I'd be surprised if they could find an elephant in here after a year of searching. And if Ron can't find us, then Crabbe and Goyle never will. Even if they told a teacher, we'd never be found."   
"Ahem." Harry and Hermione turned to Malfoy, he looked as if he didn't know whether to be happy or annoyed. "If I may interrupt your overwhelmingly optimistic chatter, there appears to be a centaur looking down at us." 

Indeed there was. A well-built centaur with black hair was staring down at them as if finding three school children at the bottom of an impossibly big pit was not uncommon. Harry, Hermione, Malfoy and the centaur stared at each other expectantly. Malfoy turned to Harry.   
"Is he simple, or something?"   
"Er…" Harry raised his voice. "Hello." The centaur smiled, then looked up into the night sky.   
"Let me," muttered Malfoy. "Listen, I don't know whether you'd noticed, but we appear to be stuck down in a pit. It would be greatly appreciated if you could get us out, somehow. This year, preferably." The centaur looked back down at them.   
"I knew you were here," he said calmly.   
"How?" asked Hermione. She couldn't blame Malfoy for his sarcastic approach. The centaur seemed quite prepared to do things in his own time.   
"There was an omen." replied the centaur.   
"How interesting," sneered Malfoy. "If you believe in that kind of stuff. Now, my good centaur, if you would divert your attention to the matter in hand, do you think you could get us out?" The centaur looked back up at the sky. "What does he think he's doing?" Malfoy hissed. The centaur didn't move.   
"Erm…Mr. Centaur?" Hermione called. "Can you find any wands lying around up there?" Harry hadn't thought about asking anyone to find their wands. However, the centaur didn't even glance at the ground.   
"Draco is bright tonight," he stated. Malfoy looked confused.   
"How did you know who I am? Did someone send you looking for me? Are you even listening to a word I say, or am I just wasting my breath?" Malfoy was getting more irritated by the minute.   
"Draco," said Hermione. Malfoy stopped for a moment, he was so unused to having his first name used.   
"What?" he demanded. Hermione smiled smugly.   
"You didn't let me finish. Draco is actually the name of a constellation." Malfoy took all this in, then groaned.   
"Look…" he said pleadingly to the centaur. "Can you just try and understand that we don't want to be down here, and we will reward you greatly if you get us out, no matter how you do it?" The centaur smiled.   
"Draco is bright tonight," and with that, he slowly walked away.   
"What do you think you're doing?" screamed Malfoy.   
"Come back!" shouted Harry, but the centaur was already out of sight. "We need help!"   
"It's no use," wailed Malfoy. "He's mad! As mad as a brush! We're doomed, and it's all your fault!" The Slytherin started whimpering. Harry didn't even think about criticising Malfoy. He felt just as helpless himself.   
"Oh, Harry, what're we going to do?" Hermione said. "Malfoy's right, you can't get a straight answer from these centaurs."   
"Let's look on the bright side," said Harry. "He might have gone to get help." Malfoy wiped his nose with his robes.   
"You saw his face, Potter, for all we know he might not have realised we were even there. Doomed…"   
"Well, I can't say I've ever wondered what dried earth and rock tasted like, but there's a first time for everything…" muttered Hermione. Malfoy groaned even louder. 

One day later, they still hadn't been rescued. Not even a centaur had come across the pit. Malfoy still let out a groan whenever he woke up and remembered where he was. Harry stared miserably at the dark, claustrophobic walls of the pit, having given up trying to forget about food. Hermione gave advice to the other two on how to preoccupy themselves, but somehow she didn't think anyone could stand playing charades for too long. Excitement had risen a little bit, when a single red berry tumbled into the pit, blown by the gentle wind.   
"Okay, let's just settle down," said Hermione. "First things first, is it poisonous?" The boys groaned, and slunk back to their "corners" of the pit.   
"Did you have to suggest that?" muttered Harry.   
"Well, we may be going to die, but that doesn't mean I want to speed up the process." she explained.   
"I don't know about you, Potter, but anything to speed up the process would be fine by me," said Malfoy, but he didn't touch the berry anyway. 

That night, Harry decided to start a conversation that might keep them occupied for half an hour or so, just to pass the time. None of them had said much; in any case he and Hermione had given up any attempt of a private conversation, it was so silent that Malfoy could hear anything within metres of the pit.   
"What did you want to do when you grew up, Hermione?" said Harry. Hermione was startled, as no-one had spoken for at least an hour.   
"Well…a teacher at Hogwarts, I suppose." Harry tried to laugh, but ended up coughing violently.   
"Of what?" Hermione was best at practically every subject, apart from Divination, but she never cared to talk about that in front of anyone.   
"Hmm…Defence Against the Dark Arts would be nice." Harry smiled. He knew that she was eager to follow in the footsteps of her heart-throb, Gilderoy Lockheart, however obnoxious the man had turned out to be in reality. Malfoy snorted.   
"If we weren't in this mess, I'd wish you the best of luck," he said. "Not one Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher has lasted as long as any of us has been here. If you ask me, it's jinxed. But that doesn't matter now…" Malfoy's eyes suddenly became very distant, and Harry worried that he might go into another anxiety fit, so he turned to Malfoy quickly.   
"What about you, Malfoy, what did you hope to become?"   
"Oh, I don't know. Something respectable, but not too glamorous. In fact, I never really thought about it. What about you, Potter?" Harry decided that it had been a stupid question anyway, because he himself had never thought about it. He didn't have time to answer anyway, for at that moment there was a loud and shocking howl. Malfoy jumped, and his eyes became wide. "What…was that?" he whispered. Harry gulped.   
"Maybe it was just the wind…" He never thought he'd find himself saying that.   
"The wind, in summer?" exclaimed Hermione, hoping she was wrong. Suddenly, the pit didn't seem quite so hidden away. The possibility of something falling into the hole was on all of their minds. Something with sharp teeth.   
"Now…we all know there's no such thing as werewolves, don't we?" Hermione stammered. Malfoy looked at her as if she was mad, as did Harry, who had had a close enough experience with a werewolf to prove beyond doubt that they existed. 

Malfoy edged closer to Hermione, his hands shaking uncontrollably, as did Harry.   
"I need the toilet…" said Malfoy, but he shut up. They shivered down in the pit, jumping at every single sound they heard.   
"Do you think we're going to die?" whispered Hermione.   
"Well…maybe it'll be a friendly monster." Harry said, trying to sound cheerful.   
"Curse that centaur! Curse them all!" shouted Malfoy, shaking his fist at the night sky. Hermione and Harry told him that if he shouted any louder, it would be as good as killing them already. There was a crunch of twigs under foot…or paw. A strange yelping sound, then an ear-piercing howl. Within seconds, everybody in the pit was hugging each other, quaking in their robes. They wanted to close their eyes, but they still stared up, whimpering. Then, suddenly there was a voice.   
"Oh, yeh stupid mutt, get out of the way." Hagrid appeared at the top of the pit, restraining a whimpering Fang on a leash. He stared down at the three occupants of the pit, clinging onto each other as if it was the end of the world. But the most surprising thing was seeing Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter clutching each other's arm, past rivalries forgotten. "What're yeh doing down there?" 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I happen to be English, so that explains any spelling mistakes for the any American readers. 

DISCLAIMER: Believe it or not, I did not invent any of the characters in the piece of fan fiction, J.K. Rowling did, and I owe it all to her. Ta.   



	2. Chapter 2

Malfoy entered the Great Hall, having taken several deep breaths in preparation for meeting the stares that would greet him. He was surprised that no-one paid him much attention at all, apart from Potter and his chums, which he had expected. So, word had not yet got out about the pit incident. Malfoy decided to be the first one to announce it on the Slytherin table, and spin a tale on how freaked out Potter and Granger had been. At least then he would have people to back him up. He sat down between Crabbe and Goyle, who looked as if they had at least got a few good nights' sleep.   
"So, where were you yesterday, Malfoy?" grunted Crabbe, not even looking at him.   
"Yeah, what got you so dirty? Did you have a fight with Potter?" Goyle said between mouthfuls of breakfast. He began to choke, spraying Malfoy's freshly cleaned robes with porridge.   
"Finished?" Goyle decided that the best way to stop himself choking was to pour more porridge down his throat. "If you used your brain, Goyle, you might work out that having a fight does not last one day. I was, in fact, down a hole." As the two idiots licked their bowls clean, Malfoy recounted the whole story, with a few minor adjustments. The whole Slytherin table took it in, laughing whenever Malfoy described in vivid detail Potter's manic terror at what had just been the sound of the clumsy groundskeeper treading on his dog's foot.   
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione glanced up at the Slytherin table, which was deliberately making its laughter loud enough for them to hear.   
"Malfoy's probably telling them how he nearly wet himself with fear whilst down in the pit," muttered Harry. "I think not."   
"We were all frightened, Harry," said Hermione sensibly, as always.   
"So, you didn't find out what Malfoy was up to, then?" asked Ron, disappointedly.   
"We could have caught him in the act, if he hadn't turned around and spotted us. I suppose he was so edgy in the woods, he suspected there to be some kind of monster hiding in every shadow, instead he found us." Harry said.   
"We were so close, though!" Hermione cursed. "Just a little further and we wouldn't need any more proof that he was making the Phantasm potion."   
"Phantasm what?" Fred and George Weasley were listening in on the conversation, suspecting something going on after their brother's two best friends had mysteriously disappeared for a day.   
  
It had all started in Professor Snape's Potion class, about a week ago. Snape had mentioned the Phantasm potion, describing it as something that made whoever drank it have almost real illusions appear all around them. They would, eventually, become so convinced by the illusions, they would loose their grip on reality, and slip into madness. Snape had not intentionally started describing it, he had just warned the pupils not to get a far more boring potion they were making confused with it, but Malfoy had seemed very interested in the potion, and it appeared suspicious to Harry and his friends. All that lesson Malfoy had been whispering conspiratorially with Crabbe and Goyle, and kept glancing over at Harry. Hermione had immediately decided that Malfoy was planning to use the potion on Harry and, presumably, Ron and Hermione as well. They had gone to the library, taken out The Modern Encyclopedia of Madness Potions, and looked at the ingredients of the Phantasm potion. Most items were available from the student-store cupboard, apart from one strange thing mentioned at the bottom of the list. "One petal from the Mirage Plant". This had led them back to the library, where they found out from "1001 Types of Plant in the Wizarding World" that the Mirage Plant was a pretty blue flower, common in overgrown areas ("That must mean it's in the forest!"), and once its strong aroma was inhaled, it could project deceptive images in the mind of the victim, rendering them confused. It was a powerful defence, unless whoever went near had their nose protected. Now, all they had do was keep a close eye on Malfoy, and see if he really was attempting to make up the Phantasm potion. They overheard Malfoy about six days later, mentioning going back into the forest in the night, during Potions. They hadn't known what Malfoy meant by "back into the forest", but had assumed he was mentioning the time he had once gone on detention with Hagrid. Ron had become a little too excited with this news, and accidentally smashed a phile of Flobbery Gas, making huge lumps appear on the skin of everybody. A furious Snape gave him a detention, sweeping the halls. Ron would probably be on detention for the next month or so. Therefore, that night, Harry and Hermione had tracked Malfoy to the forest, foolishly taking the risk of leaving the Invisibility Cloak behind. Malfoy had been looking around, when he spotted Harry and Hermione, a scuffle ensued and all of a sudden the ground gave way, and into the pit they tumbled. 

"Go away, you two," said Ron. The twins would not be put off, however, and the three friends decided to leave and talk on the way to the Gryffindor common room to collect their books.   
"Do you think Malfoy will continue looking for the Mirage Plant?" asked Ron.   
"It's not like him to just give up…" Hermione said. "But he'll be a bit more careful now that he knows we're onto him. Oh yes, and he won't be going back into the forest for a long time, that's for sure. Me, Harry and him have got a solid month of cleaning the toilets with Filch watching over us. I only wish we could find out what he's going to do with that potion!" Harry shrugged.   
"Well, he was almost prepared to tell us whilst in the pit. And if cleaning out all the toilets in Hogwarts isn't a situation as bad as being down in a pit with no way out, I don't know what is." 

"I'm not up to anything," grunted Malfoy, squeezing another dose of bleach into a toilet. Filch the caretaker had gone to check Ron wasn't delaying his sweeping, and he had left Mrs. Norris watching over them. At least Harry and Hermione had a chance to get some answers out of Malfoy. "You'd think they'd be glad we weren't dead!" he said, raising his voice. "What do we get? A month of this." He chucked the empty bottle on the floor for effect.   
"It's not us who should be getting this dirty job, it's you," snarled Harry. "We know you're looking for the Mirage Plant, so you can finish off the Phantasm Potion. What we don't know is why you want to make it." Malfoy stopped his cleaning, and put on a look of mock disbelief.   
"Mirage Plant? Phantasm Potion? I don't know what you're talking about." He looked in disgust at the brush in his hand. His face suddenly became sneering again. "What's it to you, eh, Potter? Just because you don't like me, that doesn't mean everything I do has to be some kind of plot against you and your goody-goody friends. It's for a special project Professor Snape set me. It'll gain me fifty extra points for Slytherin. I mean it, Potter!" Harry was totally unconvinced, as was Hermione.   
"Not even Snape would be spiteful enough to send a pupil all alone into the forest to find a special plant, just for a project. And anyway, you know he'd give you fifty points even if you didn't do this made-up project. It's like he gives you points just for opening your mouth." Malfoy smiled smugly.   
"Just because you don't get along well with the dear Professor. My, you'll have to get over these childish whims someday Potter," he grinned. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a toilet to clean." He closed his eyes, then timidly started brushing around inside the lavatory. Harry and Hermione left him alone, deciding that it would be a waste of time trying to get any more information.   
"Well, what do we do now?" asked Harry.   
"We're overlooking one thing. What has he told the teachers?" Harry knew there was something he had forgotten. He doubted Dumbledore, who had been notified as soon as Hagrid found them, and lifted them out of the pit with a simple wave of his wand, would have bought Malfoy's school project story. Harry was about to turn back to Malfoy again, but Hermione stopped him. "Don't bother with Malfoy, Harry. We'll see if Hagrid overheard anything, tomorrow." At that moment, the door was flung open and in stepped Filch, looking instantly suspicious. He bent down to Mrs. Norris.   
"Have they been chatting, my beauty? Have they?" The cat arched its back, and purred loudly. "Oh dear…" Filch looked up at them menacingly. "We'll just have to give them a few more toilets to clean, won't we?" Malfoy groaned.   
"It was those two! Not me!" he said, pointing to Harry and Hermione.   
"Shut up, or I'll have you doing it all over again!" Filch shouted. Mrs. Norris began cleaning herself. 

The weeks went by more slowly than ever. Harry, Ron and Hermione had decided that they would just have to be patient, and wait until their month of detention was over. Hagrid hadn't been much of a help. He eventually explained that Malfoy had told Dumbledore he was following Harry and Hermione into the forest, apparently suspicious that they were up to something. That had been almost exactly Harry and Hermione's story, except the other way round. Eventually, the teachers decided to give them all a month of detention for going into the forest, letting them off two months due to being stuck in a pit for a day or two. That was all they needed to know, thankfully, because Hagrid was not best pleased with them going into the forbidden forest on their own. After the final detention session with Filch, Harry and Hermione met up with Ron and decided what to do.   
"How are we going to keep an eye on Malfoy?" said Hermione. "He won't mention what he's doing so easily now."   
"I say it's a simple case of getting up in the night and watching the Slytherin door. How about one at a time?" suggested Ron. It sounded simple enough; one night Harry would watch, the next Ron would watch, then Hermione, and so on.   
"But what do we do if he does sneak out? Just follow him?" Harry didn't want things going pear-shaped like last time. He had already unpacked the Invisibility Cloak, ready for use.   
"If one of us follows him, all we need to do is…er…" Hermione was for once not sure what to do. She considered informing a master (apart from Snape) about it in the morning, but Malfoy would no doubt have the ingredients hidden under some kind of spell. The teachers rarely believed them anyway. 

In the end, they agreed that this whole matter could hopefully be solved without a single teacher knowing. All they had to do was catch Malfoy in the act, and make sure he knew that they would inform a teacher if they even suspected he was planning to use that Phantasm Potion. At least that would make Malfoy realise that they wouldn't be fooled into drinking anything offered by him. The first night would be Harry's watch. He sneaked out of the Gryffindor common room, under the Invisibility Cloak, thankfully not running into Filch and Mrs. Norris, and positioned himself as comfortably as he could against the wall outside the Slytherin common room. He had to stifle a yawn several times, and prevent his heavy eyes from closing. He hadn't got any decent sleep for what seemed like years. The toilet-cleaning was always at night, which was, he admitted grudgingly, what you got for going where you've been told not to. He decided to stay wake by thinking about the Phantasm potion. According to Hermione who had spent ages in the library doing research on it, no-one had ever recovered from a draft of the potion, so no-one could really describe its effects. Eye-witness accounts described how victims had wandered around as if in an imaginary world, bumping into walls, almost bumping themselves to death. It wasn't a pleasant prospect, being surrounded by apparently real objects. After taking the potion (accidentally usually), the victim would black out, then wake up again believing they were in some kind of new world. They would talk to imaginary people who appeared to them as real as themselves. The would stick their hands in mincing machines, which appeared to them to be lucky dips, and they wouldn't realise all the damage they were doing to their body. Hermione had started to vividly describe the photos she had seen of victims of the Phantasm potion, and Harry and Ron had had to stop her, having just eaten. 

Harry was disturbed from his thoughts as the secret stone door that Malfoy had unwittingly lead Harry and Ron to some while back slid open, and out stepped Malfoy himself. Harry suddenly felt too obvious, and began to slink into the shadows. Malfoy whispered the password so that Harry couldn't hear it, then stalked off along the corridor, eyes darting around on the look out for Filch. Harry also hoped the caretaker didn't discover Malfoy. That would mean another long wait as Malfoy spent the nights on detention. There was one moment of tension when there were strange sounds coming from one of the classrooms, which turned out to be Peeves the Poltergeist treading pieces of chalk into the carpet to annoy Filch. Malfoy managed to sneak past the doorway without being seen, and Harry followed him. He was lead outside again, and there was no mistake that Malfoy was heading towards the forbidden forest. It was a reasonably cool night, with only a faint breeze blowing. Harry decided he would have to stay closely behind Malfoy he wasn't going to loose him in the confusing maze of trees and bushes. As they entered the forest, Harry noted how confident Malfoy was of where he was going, as if he had made the journey several times before. Maybe he had been down here more often then Harry had thought…However, he didn't have time to think about that, because within minutes, they had reached the small clearing where they had fallen down the pit. 

Harry took cover behind a bush, making sure he could see clearly what was happening. Malfoy looked around him, as if expecting to see Harry spying on him from behind a tree or bush. Once satisfied nobody was watching, Malfoy started brushing some thick foliage aside, and heaved out a pewter cauldron. So, he had been down here more often. He must have been planning to make the potion in the forest, where nobody could catch him. The ingredients were inside the cauldron, apart from the Mirage Plant petal. Malfoy reached behind a tree, and then stood up holding a fragile blue petal in the palm of his hand. Harry realised that last time, when Malfoy spotted him and Hermione, he must have been on the verge of picking the petal. He took out his wand, whispered the spell to make the water inside the cauldron begin to boil, and watched it began to bubble and spit. Harry watched intensely. As soon as the potion appeared to be ready, he would leap out and confront Malfoy. Unfortunately for Harry, it seemed to take for ages for the potion to get ready. Malfoy threw in the petal, then watched the mixture take on its blue colour. Once it was finished, he waved the wand again, and the bubbling and frothing settled down. He replaced the wand back in his robes, and reached down to pick up the cauldron. 

At that moment, Harry leapt out of the bushes, careful to leave behind the Invisibility Cloak. Malfoy had fortunately not picked up the cauldron, otherwise he'd have dropped it and the evidence would be lost. He stared at Harry for a few vital seconds, during which Harry and knocked him to the ground, careful to avoid the edge of the pit. Malfoy brought out his wand, but Harry wrenched it out of his hand and send it flying away into the foliage. The two boys struggled for a moment, but Harry eventually had Malfoy pinned down.   
"Get off me, Potter!" Malfoy snarled.   
"Not on your life, Malfoy. Right, you can't hide the evidence - that potion you've just mixed is the Phantasm potion. Who were you going to use it on? Me?"   
"I don't know what you're on about. Just a little background work for Professor Snape…"   
"Don't give me that! What's it for?" Harry was prepared to stay here all night until he got some answers off Malfoy. Suddenly, Malfoy lashed out with his legs and Harry was caught off his guard. Malfoy dashed over the cauldron, carrying it single-handedly by the handle over to where Harry was. He placed the cauldron on the ground for a few seconds, then launched himself on Harry. He managed to hold down Harry's arms with his legs, and he began to grab his nose. Harry suddenly realised what he was trying to do. Malfoy picked up the cauldron unsteadily, sloshing blue potion everywhere, and began to lower it towards Harry's mouth.   
"Hold still Potter…" he grinned. At first a little sliver of the potion dripped into his mouth, which he managed to spit out, then, as he jerked Malfoy upwards, almost the whole cauldron came sloshing over his face. Malfoy chucked the almost-empty cauldron away, and began to try and clamp Harry's mouth shut whilst still holding his nose. Harry couldn't see, some of the blue stuff had gone over his eyes. He couldn't breath with Malfoy blocking off both his mouth and nose, he had to swallow, had to swallow. At that moment, because his life was at stake, he didn't care about the effects of the potion, his primary objective survival. He swallowed a lot of the Phantasm potion in one gulp, then the remains of it in another. Malfoy removed both his hands from Harry's face, and grinned. "There, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Harry gasped for air for a few minutes, until he properly realised what he had done. He raised a feeble fist at the leering Malfoy, then his vision slipped into darkness… 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hadn't actually planned to write a second part to "The Pit". Malfoy being up to "something" was just a way of getting the three of them into the pit, but seeing as a lot of the reviewers wanted a sequel, I wrote this. I personally don't think it's as good. However, I've got a good idea on what to do for the third part. Watch out for it. This is called The Pit - part 2, but it hasn't really got much to do with a pit, I just wanted to make it easy for people to find it. 

DISCLAIMER: Don't be fooled! J.K. Rowling made up every single character in this story, not I. I'm just simply borrowing them. All debts are owed to her.   



	3. Chapter 3

"How is he?" Albus Dumbledore regarded Madam Pomfrey's sad, weary face with concern. He had come as soon as he heard that Harry was in trouble.   
"Take a look for yourself," said Madam Pomfrey. When she didn't say anymore, Dumbledore became very uneasy. He followed her into the sick bay, and felt his heart drop to his feet. Harry was wondering around the room, oblivious to his surroundings, tipping over pots and pans. He already had a large bruise on his forehead where he had slammed into each wall. It didn't take long for Dumbledore to realise what this meant. He turned worriedly to Pomfrey, who was on the verge of tears. He had been planning to ask her to confirm his diagnosis of the Phantasm potion, but decided it would only make her worse.   
"I'll get Minerva and Severus," he muttered. Madam Pomfrey didn't seem to notice he had spoken. She didn't even blink when Harry shook hands with an ornate vase, then dropped it on the floor and started talking to the window sill as if he was lost. 

In the Great Hall, Ron was getting annoyed. He was trying not to show it, otherwise they'd get Fred and George pestering them.   
"Don't worry," said Hermione, who was worrying herself. "None of us have been getting much sleep recently. I expect it was just a little too much for Harry, and he fell asleep outside the Slytherin door. He's probably snoring away underneath that Invisibility Cloak of his right now. We'll check it out afterwards." Ron was not convinced. He looked hatefully over at Malfoy who was bragging about something on the Slytherin table.   
"I'll bet Malfoy's got something to do with this. You can tell by the way he's grinning and not looking at us." Hermione couldn't help but agree with him. Malfoy seemed to be in a particularly good mood this morning, and Harry's strange disappearance probably had something to do with it. Suddenly, Professor McGonagall burst loudly into the Great Hall, making everybody except Crabbe and Goyle look up, and Malfoy, who looked as if he was trying not to pay any attention to what was going on. The Professor strode up to the Gryffindor table, looking very distressed.   
"Weasley, Granger, come with me. Leave your breakfast." Fred and George could have responded with the "which Weasley would that be?" prank, but somehow Professor McGonagall's face didn't look like she in the mood for that sort of thing, not that she was at any time. Ron and Hermione instantly knew it had something to do with Harry, and they got up straight away without question. Ron looked back at Malfoy just before he left the Great Hall, and noticed the boy was deliberately not looking in his direction. 

Harry was feeling more than a little confused. He could not remember how he had got here, nor any of the events leading up it. The farthest he could remember was…nothing. He knew he was Harry Potter and which school he went to, but his mind couldn't seem to focus on how he had got to this weird place. And weird was not the half of it. He had woken up lying on a main road, which he knew enough to be not a good idea, and he quickly ran to the other side. The first odd thing he noticed was the trees. Trees of all shapes and sizes were scattered around randomly all over the place. They were sprouting out of the road, surely a safety hazard, he even saw one growing over a manhole. He began to seriously suspect something was wrong when someone with a wedge of cheese for a body walked past him pushing a pram full of cabbages. All of a sudden, Harry felt as if he had a very bad headache. He took in his surroundings. On one side of the road he had woken up on, there was a long line a shops and houses. On the other side…a desert. At the moment he was on the shopping side. He began to feel a little bit queasy as a woman with no legs hovered across the road. Something was seriously wrong. Was this a dream? Harry pinched himself, but nothing happened. He looked at the types of shops there were. A butcher's shop was the first that caught his eye. That seemed sane enough. A cardboard cutout of a jovial pig holding a lemon (Harry decided to ignore this) stood outside the welcoming little shop, boasting in white chalk lettering about their high, high prices (he decided to ignore this as well). He pulled the door open, and entered. He was greeted by the sight of a real pig, standing on its hind legs, behind the counter.   
"Ah, my favourite customer," the pig grinned. "The usual?" Without allowing Harry to answer, the pig shoveled a pile of Brussels sprouts into a plastic bag, carried it over to a wooden table, and dumped it there.   
"I thought this was a butcher's," said Harry, trying to make sense of this as best he could. The pig didn't seem to hear him. Instead, it hauled out an impossibly large mallet, and before Harry could protest, the pig brought it crashing down on the plastic bag. After replacing the mallet, the pig handed the bag to Harry, who didn't care to look inside.   
"Right, two slices please," the pig said casually. Harry stood there, not sure what to do. "Two slices, please," repeated the pig. Harry suddenly realised the pig wanted to be paid in some way. He began searching his pockets, trying to formulate a plan. He didn't need to. Someone appeared from behind him, and went up to the counter.   
"On me," said the person. He handed over two slices of sponge cake from out of his jacket pocket, which the pig ate immediately. Harry's saviour turned around to face him.   
"Ron!" Harry almost leapt for joy, but he didn't when noticed something else wrong. "Ron…is that a dress you're in?" 

Ron and Hermione looked hopelessly at Harry, who had caused every amount of devastation possible in the sick bay. He was now opening an invisible door, and bumped into a real wall. Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall and Snape were watching from behind. Ron had thought Snape would be resisting jumping for joy when he discovered Harry Potter had gone mad, but instead the Potions master seemed a little concerned. Ron wondered if he remembered describing the Phantasm potion to everybody the other day. There was no doubt who was behind this, at least in Ron and Hermione's mind. Malfoy. This time he had gone way too far. The wretched boy had obviously not properly read about the potion, and not realised that there was no cure. He had probably thought that Harry would be like this long enough for the whole of Slytherin to get a good laugh at him, then the effects would wear off. Even the thought of the amount of trouble Malfoy would get in for this did not make Ron feel any better. Just standing peering through the window in the door of the sick bay, staring at his friend crashing into the walls made him feel sick. He pulled away.   
"I can't look anymore. Can't you at least time him to a chair or something? At least something to make him stop smashing his own brains out," Ron said. Hermione winced when Ron mentioned smashing brains out.   
"I'm afraid it's all been tried before, Ron," said Dumbledore quietly. "They just wriggle out. It doesn't do them any good anyway. We already tried wrapping a thick bandage around his head to stop him hurting himself. He just ripped him off. I'm afraid I just can't work out who would do such a thing…unless Voldemort is involved somehow." Usually, people winced whenever Voldemort was called by name. However, nobody cared at this moment. Ron faced them, seething.   
"I'll tell you who did this." A great deal of swearing was involved in the next sentence, but the general message was that Draco Malfoy was the culprit. Snape jerked into action.   
"Mr. Malfoy would not be stupid enough to do such a thing. I'm afraid Mr. Weasley is getting a little worked up about this…naturally he would accuse the person who he, Potter and Miss Granger have had a silly little rivalry with over the past few terms.   
"Why do you think Draco did this?" asked Dumbledore, speaking to Ron like a mother would explain to a child that their grandfather had gone somewhere and wasn't coming back. Ron would not be put off.   
"Me, Hermione and Harry all knew that Malfoy was trying to make the Phantasm potion."   
"How did he know about the Phantasm potion?" asked Dumbledore.   
"Professor Snape told us about it about a week ago," Ron said. Snape looked venomously at him. All the teachers turned to Snape.   
"I was merely warning my class not to confuse the Grungle potion mixed up with the Phantasm, as a safety precaution. Besides, I only mentioned the effects, I didn't say a word about the ingredients." Snape was beginning to get irritated.   
"Did you happen to notice, Professor, how interested Mr. Malfoy seemed in the potion?" demanded Ron, fire in his eyes. Snape turned nasty.   
"Don't you dare take that tone with me, Weasley, or I'll have you…"   
"Answer the question, Severus." Said Dumbledore, seriously. Snape was about to protest, but decided against it.   
"Yes, all right, Malfoy was a little bit persistent in his questioning. But that doesn't mean he did it. I'm afraid I shall need proof before I can trust this wild story." Dumbledore straightened his back, and sighed, as if succumbing to the inevitable.   
"Very well, if you can provide us with proof, Ron, we'll believe you," he said, then marched off. "I'm going to announce an emergency meeting for everybody in the Great Hall. Minerva, Severus, I shall need your help to find the prefects and spread the word. Ron and Hermione, you can come when you're ready."   
Professor McGonagall and Snape followed in pursuit of Dumbledore, leaving Ron and Hermione with Madam Pomfrey to watch over Harry.   
"You know," muttered Madam Pomfrey. "It wouldn't surprise me one little bit if that Draco Malfoy did this to Harry. He's not got a shred of decency in his blood." 

Harry had needed quite a little bit of time getting used to the female Ron. Thankfully, she was still called Ron, it was perfectly normal in this mad place. Ron appeared to know Harry as well as he or she or whatever had done at Hogwarts, which was good. The long yellow dress and the more lovingly curled red hair took a little getting used to, and the long eyelashes, but generally it was the same Ron that Harry had known. It was the voice that had Harry fooled at first, it was Ron's normal voice, not at all feminine. They were now walking along the street lined with shops. Ron appeared to want to take Harry somewhere, but he wasn't making it quite clear where.   
"Why are we going to a Job Centre, Ron?" asked Harry, almost bumping into a walking cucumber.   
"Why do you think?" Ron laughed, stepping over a pink cube that was lying on the pavement for some reason. "What do people normally go to Job Centres for?"   
"Er…to get jobs," said Harry, even more confused than before.   
"Well?" said Ron.   
"Are you saying we're trying to get a job?" Ron looked at him, puzzled.   
"Of course we're trying to get a job!" she said loudly. "I'll introduce you to Hermione when we get there."   
Harry's eyes bulged.   
"Hermione's there too?" Ron looked at him again, puzzled.   
"You know him?"   
"Him? No, but I know her!" Ron shook her head in amazement.   
"I think the Sun's gone to your head, Harry," she muttered. Harry looked up. There was no Sun. "I've told Hermione all about you. I think he'll be glad to get this meeting over and done with, then I can shut up about you. Here we are, Harry." Ron turned sharply to his right, and pushed open the heavy door of the Job Centre. Harry tried to ignore the fact that the building was in the middle of the road, and followed Ron in. They walked past a rack of leaflets advertising job courses, and Ron took a seat next to someone. Harry looked on, deciding that if you can't beat them, join them.   
"You must be Hermione," he said, shaking hands with Hermione. He looked up as somebody dropped a glass over by the small canteen, then took in the male version of Hermione. As was the case with Ron, Hermione was still her old self, only she now wore small bent glasses, her front teeth protruded even further, and her hair had been cut much shorter.   
"So you're the famous Harry Potter," he said. "Do you like reading?" Before Harry could reply, Ron let out a loud sigh, as if deliberately stopping the conversation. She was staring at a leaflet she had obtained from the rack they had passed.   
"What's that?" asked Harry. Ron was looking really envious.   
"This is the course you'll be going on. The girl in charge really knows how to do her hair." Hermione snatched the leaflet off Ron.   
"And she's really nice. Never raises her voice." Harry reached for the leaflet, a tiny feeling of dread nagging at his brain. Hermione handed him the folded piece of paper, and Harry stared down at the photo on the front.   
"Oh no…" Staring back up at him was Draco Malfoy, golden locks of hair tumbling down her shoulders. 

Hermione was trying desperately to reason with Ron, who was marching towards the Slytherin common room like a madman. She agreed that Malfoy had to pay dearly for this, no matter what the teachers thought, but violence just wasn't the way. However, Ron obviously didn't share this view. He caught Malfoy in corridor outside the common room.   
"Hello Weasley," he drawled. "You look rather angry…" Malfoy could not get any further before Ron had smashed him across the nose with all the force he could muster. There were a few shrieks and cheers, as Ron started beating the life out of Malfoy's body.   
"Sometimes…Hermione…magic spells are no match for…brute force…" Hermione eventually pulled Ron off Malfoy, but the damage was done. Bruises had already taken shape on Malfoy's forehead, and his nose was bleeding heavily. As if things couldn't have got worse, Snape suddenly appeared from round a corner. He took in the scene at once, and ordered everybody in the corridor to go to the Great Hall, apart from Ron, Hermione and Malfoy, who was still trying to pick himself up.   
"Granger," hissed Snape malevolently. "You will escort Mr. Malfoy to a sick bay which hasn't already been destroyed by Potter, and describe to Madam Pomfrey the exact circumstances under which he obtained these injuries. And believe me, I will be able to tell if any extra damage has been done to him on the way." Hermione, looking worriedly at Ron, picked Malfoy up under the armpits, and took the most direct route to the sick bay.   
"Weasley, get to my office, I'm contacting your parents immediately. I doubt they'll pay much attention, if this is the sort of son they produced…" Ron, chest heaving, allowed himself to be dragged by the wrist to Snape's dark, secluded office. 

Hermione pulled Malfoy up the stone steps non too gently. He groaned loudly.   
"You heard what Professor Snape…" Hermione almost dropped him in anger.   
"You, Draco Malfoy, are the most evil, corrupt and ignorant person I have ever had the misfortune to set eyes on." Malfoy's eyes widened.   
"Ignorant?"   
"Thought it might be a bit of laugh for you and what little friends you have? Of course, having researched the Phantasm potion thoroughly, I assume you knew the effects were permanent?" Malfoy didn't register for a moment, then his eyes almost fell out of their sockets.   
"Permanent…" he stuttered. He tried to compose himself too late. "W-w-well, poor old Harry…"   
"Exactly. Come on." Hermione hauled him clumsily up the steps.   
"Where are you taking me?" he shouted. Hermione laughed.   
"The sick bay, where else? You and me are going to try and work out a little cure for our dear friend Harry, and if there is any lack of cooperation on your behalf, I shall be forced to do to you what you did to Harry." Malfoy tried to act cool.   
"Madam Pomfrey would never let you," he said smugly.   
"She would, because Madam Pomfrey is just as convinced you did it as Ron and I are. I doubt she would protest if I forced you to work on the floor…" Malfoy gulped, and allowed himself to give in to the fate that awaited him. 

Harry was beginning to feel himself going mad. For a start, the swapping of Ron and Hermione's genders was bad enough, but Malfoy…She was hard not to relate to Gilderoy Lockheart, in the way she adjusted her make-up every few minutes. Harry wondered if he would meet a male version of Lockheart somewhere around here. Malfoy pranced over to Harry almost as soon as she entered the cramped room full of desks of all shapes and sizes.   
"Oooh, look chipsticks, we have a visitor!" Her breath smelt sickeningly of watermelon. "Shall we give him the traditional Malfoy Job Course greeting?" The whole class of genuine weirdoes began nodding and cheering enthusiastically. Ron punched Harry's shoulder and grinned.   
"You'll love this!" she said. The whole class, minus Harry, then got into an untidy formation at the front of the room, with Malfoy at the front. Harry watched, bewildered, as people started hauling musical instruments like guitars out of their pockets, and then suddenly there was hush. Malfoy clicked her fingers, and Ron began playing a serious of notes on a set of bongo drums, which all sounded the same. Then Hermione joined in, tapping a triangle in the blandest way possible. Another freaky person began playing the guitar. He was actually very good, but good music mixed with bad music usually ended up in horrible mess, and this was no exception. Soon everybody was playing a different instrument, whether badly or goodly, and then Malfoy started to sing. If Malfoy had been one hundred percent female, she might have got away with it, but she still had his same old masculine tones, and produced what sounded like someone stepping on a cat's paw, and the sound of a piano string being scratched with a key. It was certainly not pleasant. She was whining something about opportunities and possibilities, but the voice was changing in pitch so often, Harry found it hard to catch any of the words. As Malfoy reached the end of an overly-energetic crescendo, Harry decided that something was definitely not right. He didn't belong here. The only problem was, he had no idea how to get out.   
"Gosh, wasn't that fun, chipsticks?" gasped Malfoy. "As I'm sure you're aware I mentioned in the song, I hope you're going to stay with us for some time…" 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, all right, I admit it, I "borrowed" the idea of someone being trapped in a mad world from "Red Dwarf/Better Than Life", but I tried desperately to make this dissimilar, and I'm reasonably happy with the result. I was, myself, rather unconvinced that Malfoy would be as evil as to force-feed Harry the Phantasm stuff, but decided to make up for it by saying Malfoy hadn't realised the effects would be permanent. I really hadn't planned to go on so long, but I thought I might need a bit more time to make the situation Harry was in seem more hopeless. Watch out for part four, most probably the last part, and it might be a bit shorter as well. 

DISCLAIMER: Unbelievable as this may sound, none of the characters above were made up by me, but it was J.K. Rowling, and I am using them for my own purposes. Oh yes, "Red Dwarf" and "Better Than Life" (I think) were made up by Robert Grant and Doug Naylor, as you may be aware.   
  



	4. Chapter 4

Harry Potter had once been sane. At least he thought he had, he had almost let himself be taken over by this madness without realising it. A part of him knew that he had once lived in a moderately sane world, where he had known the people who were now scattered around him. He knew that Draco Malfoy had once been his arch enemy, despite the fact that she now seemed to want to be his best friend.   
"Gosh," yawned the female Malfoy. "Time for a little break, I think. Okay darlings, sweety time!" There was a huge rush towards the front desk. Harry reluctantly got up to see what all the fuss was about. Malfoy was sitting at her desk, shaking a large pot full of gummy sweets, whilst everybody else waited patiently for her to place three sweets into every outstretched hand. "Now, now, let's not be greedy, darlings. Harvey has just joined us, so he should get first pick." Harry was gently pushed to the front of the crowd. Malfoy smiled sweetly up at him.   
"It's, er, Harry actually," Harry muttered. Malfoy's smile became almost impossibly wider.   
"What can I get you, sweety-pie?" she chirped. Harry winced, and picked three sweets at random. Malfoy counted them out as she placed them in the palm of his hand, then gave him another one. "Just for my special little boy!" she grinned, then Harry hastily made way for the rest of the unemployed, almost tripping over a desk in the process.   
"If she calls me one more name resembling some kind of gummy product, I'm out of here." Harry muttered to himself, popping the sweets into his mouth. Before he realised what was happening, a huge black snake slithered out between his teeth, and disappeared through the doorway. He left his mouth hanging open for a few minutes, then looked around, to see a variety of snakes pouring out of other peoples' mouths. Nobody seemed to be a disgusted or shocked as he was.   
"Mmmm," said Ron, licking her lips with relish. "Oops!" Another snake burst out of her mouth, and she laughed with glee.   
"What am I doing?" groaned Harry. "I'm stuck in a Job Centre when I'm still thirteen, and I've just attempted eating a sweet that nobody warned me would turn into a snake as soon as it touched my tongue! What's happening?" Nobody had appeared to have heard him.   
"Don't you want your other sweets, Harry?" asked Malfoy, looking as concerned as someone would be if Harry's head had fallen off. Harry smiled meekly.   
"I'm…saving them till later, thanks." 

Malfoy, the real Malfoy, was lying in bed in a make-shift sick bay that had been hastily prepared by Madam Pomfrey. His feet were tingling with tension. How was he supposed to know the effects were permanent? It wasn't his fault that the wretched book didn't mention it. He then began to curse himself for even thinking about the wretched thing in the first place. Granger now expected him to help her figure out a cure that apparently none of the greatest wizards in history could make. Just to save Potter. What had Potter ever done for him? Nothing, as far as he could recall.   
"You're not even paying attention, Malfoy," said Hermione sternly. Malfoy yawned.   
"I'm listening," he muttered absently. In his mind he was mentally burning Potter at the stake.   
"No you're not! You got Harry into this mess, and you're getting him out of it." Hermione was not going to let Malfoy weasel himself out of this one, not in a million years.   
"What's the use?" he said. "Poor old Harry's doomed, and there's nothing we can do for him. Why can't you accept that?"   
"I cannot and will not accept that, because I know I can save him," hissed Hermione. "And I know that you're going to help, not that it gives me any confidence. Now, it's quite simple. First, we have to find the potion used against the Mirage plant." Malfoy rolled his eyes.   
"Been there, done that," he drawled. "Face it, nothing two thirteen year-olds can do is going to be any different from what some of the greatest wizards in history ever tried." Hermione was flicking through the pages of a thick book that she had taken from the library, along with another fifteen others.   
"Maybe they just weren't looking in the right place…" Hermione said quietly. Malfoy's face went blank.   
"What's that supposed to mean?" Before Hermione could answer, Ron entered the little room, looking very sullen. Malfoy seemed to sink lower into the mattress.   
"How bad is it?" asked Hermione, as if Ron had just had an operation.   
"Well, he certainly didn't spare me any mercy. I'm being suspended for at least two weeks." Hermione's jaw dropped.   
"You can't be serious, right?" Hermione was desperately hoping that Ron would suddenly burst out laughing, and describe how Dumbledore had actually burst into Snape's office and saved the day. However, he didn't.   
"I have to pack my bags straight away," Ron muttered glumly. "I suppose I'll see you in a fortnight."   
"Oh, Ron!" said Hermione irately. "I needed you to help me work out a cure! How can I with you at your house, in disgrace?"   
"Well, I'll try and do some research back there. Let's just hope Harry doesn't batter himself to death while I'm gone. Well, looks like you'll just have him to help you." Ron didn't even glance at Malfoy, who was trying to hide behind Hermione unsuccessfully. He waved half-heartedly, then shuffled away. Hermione turned on Malfoy.   
"Er…" he mumbled. Hermione heaved a huge black leather-bound book from the pile, and dumped it on Malfoy's legs.   
"Get reading, and get digesting," she ordered, after Malfoy had finished faking his howls of pain. 

Harry was at least thankful to leave the absurdly-placed Job Centre and the flamboyant Malfoy behind him. He didn't think he could have put up with Malfoy's constant kisses on the cheeks whenever he answered a question. It didn't help with Malfoy picking on him to answer the question all the time, anyway. Now, he had no idea where female Ron and male Hermione were taking him. They kept saying that he'd see when he got there. Harry looked across the main road, and at the desert on the other side. Well, there didn't seem to be many people there for a start. It hadn't really registered in his mind when he first saw it. In fact, he wasn't quite sure whether it was registering in his mind now. Suddenly, Ron grabbed his arm, and pulled him out of the way of a runaway hospital bed, or something that resembled one. He had given up trying to make sense of the assortment of walking and talking food, animals and household items that were going about whatever their daily business was. Harry looked up. The sky was now bright pink.   
"Er, Ron?" Harry said. "There's something I've got to tell you and Hermione." Ron looked at him.   
"What?" she asked.   
"Well…it's quite hard to explain, and I'm not quite sure how to put it. Could we find somewhere to sit?" He was led to an ordinary enough park bench, which was blocking off the doorway of a groceries.   
"What did you want to tell us?" asked Hermione, picking at his two front teeth absently. Harry gulped.   
"It's like this…I don't belong here." Ron stared at him for a moment, and burst out laughing.   
"Oh, it's all right, Harry! Don't get the impression that you're any more inferior than us! Draco will get us all a job soon, you can…"   
"No! He won't!" shouted Harry, drawing a few inquisitive looks from a couple of pears. He wasn't sure whether Ron and Hermione were more confused by his sudden outburst or by the fact he had called Malfoy a "he". "That Malfoy is not Malfoy at all! I don't know how I got here, into this crazy place, but I can tell you that this isn't my old home. And that certainly wasn't my old Malfoy back there."   
"Harry…" said Ron. "Are you trying to say that you and Malfoy were once…er, how can I put it?"   
"No! I mean, that none of this is real. I come from a place where you, Ron, are male, Hermione is female and Malfoy is almost certainly a male. In fact, as far as I can remember, me and Malfoy are arch enemies. Where I come from, you don't have to get jobs at thirteen. You don't eat sweets that turn into snakes as soon as they touch your tongue, unless they're under a curse or something. You don't get walking and talking large fruit and vegetables. In fact, you get anything but what you get in this world. I desperately need to get back to where I come from. I mean, no offense, but you're starting to freak me out." Ron and Hermione had sat, open-mouthed, all the way through Harry's outburst. They looked at each other, then back at him.   
"Are you sure you're all right, Harry?" asked Hermione. Harry sighed, and gave up all hope of ever getting back to reality. 

Hermione was now getting as frustrated as Malfoy. She had tried to propel herself further, but ended up reaching more dead ends. Malfoy was being very little help, considering all the guilt that must be on his mind. Hermione slammed the fifteenth dusty book shut, causing Malfoy to cough.   
"There's only one thing I can think of," she said wearily. Malfoy looked as if he was about to fall asleep.   
"What's that then? And make it quick," he muttered.   
"It's just a wild guess, but I'm wondering what'll happen if we give him another dose of the Phantasm potion. It works with other things." Malfoy yawned noisily.   
"What things? Give me an example."   
"Well…I don't know, but you read stories where it happens."   
"What stories? Give me an example." Hermione sighed.   
"I don't know which stories! But you do get it. I mean, come on, it's not going to do any more damage, is it?"   
"Mmm…" Malfoy mumbled. Hermione prodded one of the bruises on his forehead, and he sat up immediately.   
"What did you do that for?" he groaned. "I'll get that Pomfrey sued for allowing you to do this to me."   
"Get out of bed, and help me," Hermione ordered. Malfoy looked confused.   
"What for?"   
"We're going to make up the Phantasm potion," she explained. Malfoy said automatically that he didn't know how, but Hermione was having none of it. She pulled him by the arm out of the bed. 

Harry sat miserably on the park bench, alone. Ron and Hermione had wondered off, telling him they'd get him some food. He looked around him. Was this going to be his home for the rest of his life? A world where anything could be possible? He decided, with a sigh, that he would have to get used to it. He couldn't just keep on hoping to get back, because there was no way as far as he could see to do so. He had even tried clicking his heels together three times, but that was no use. Harry looked up as Ron parked herself next to him, and handed over a plastic bag full of something green.   
"I got you your favourite," she said kindly. Harry recognised it as the bag he had thrown away from the butcher's shop. Gritting his teeth, he peered inside, and for a split second he thought he had been sick. Then he realised it was just the stuff inside. Did this have to be his favourite?   
"Er…thanks, but I think I've gone off it a bit." Harry said, grimacing.   
"I don't think you're feeling very well," said Hermione. "I'm sure you'll feel like eating it straight away once you're better. Maybe we should take you to a doctor…" Harry shook his head, and said he just wasn't hungry. He didn't want to think about the kind of strange sights he might see at a doctor's surgery.   
"Well," he said brightly. "Where to now?"   
"How about back to my place," said Ron. "We could watch a movie."   
"Okay," Harry agreed. How bad could watching a movie be?   
"All right," said Hermione. "But no more mindless gun-toting Argentinean hunks this time, please."   
"I've got just the thing!" said Ron excitedly, leaping to her feet. 

As soon as Dumbledore had heard what Hermione and Malfoy were planning to do, he ordered the ingredients of the Phantasm potion to be brought up to the sick bay. He said that Malfoy shouldn't be wandering around with his injuries, but Hermione (and Malfoy) suspected that he didn't think it would be appropriate if Hermione did all the dirty work while Malfoy stayed up in the sick bay. Hagrid brought a petal of the Mirage Plant, holding his nose to stop him inhaling the powerful fumes. The groundskeeper exchanged foul looks with Malfoy, then went into the previous sick bay to take over the duty of steering Harry away from the walls. Hermione wasted no time in mixing up the potion. It was relatively simple: they would give Harry a dose of the potion, and see what it did. At least Harry wouldn't be aware of it if there was some grizzly side-affects when the potion didn't work.   
"What do we do if it doesn't work?" said Malfoy, peering into the simmering potion in the cauldron.   
"We'll keep looking for a cure," said Hermione wearily. They were alone in the sick bay, Dumbledore had decided that they should be left in peace.   
"Yes, but for what?" asked Malfoy. "We don't know what giving him another dose of that potion is going to do to him. And are you sure it hasn't been tried before?"   
"None of the books said so," said Hermione, as if that closed the whole situation. "It's ready." They grabbed both handles of the cauldron, and carried it steadily over to the old sick bay on the other side of the corridor. Most of the teachers were gathered outside. Dumbledore made way for Hermione and Malfoy, and opened the door for them. Hermione nodded to Hagrid, who looked as if he had been crying, and watched as the groundskeeper grabbed Harry as firm and as gently as possible, and opened his mouth. Hermione scooped up a small amount of the potion in a cup, and handed it to Malfoy.   
"You do it, you seem to be the expert." Malfoy scowled, and brought the cup to Harry's mouth.   
"Get better, Potter," he muttered under his breath. 

Harry was sitting on Ron's tatty old sofa, trying to get used to the feeling of a spring poking into his spine. They were watching "a good old love story" as Ron had called it. Harry winced as yet another head exploded in a shower of blood and shreds of brain, and the hero with the unconvincing bulges in his arms pumped lead into various two-dimensional characters.   
"Ron, I've tried and tried," he shouted above the noise of gunfire. "But I can't work out how this is a good old love story." Ron was transfixed by the bloodfest.   
"Didn't you see him kiss that girl?" he asked. Harry was about to point out that "that girl" had suddenly drawn a pistol on the hero, whose name Harry still couldn't remember, almost as soon as they had stopped kissing, and he tore her in two with his anti-tank rifle, but he didn't bother.   
"Forget it," he said. Hermione was now snoring loudly, having shut his eyes almost as soon as "The Survivor VII" had started. Suddenly, Harry noticed something wrong. The room was melting.   
"Er…Ron?" he said. Ron was no longer sitting next to him. Harry turned to Hermione, but he had gone too. "What now?" he wailed. The walls of the room started fading, to be replaced by yellow walls, which seemed strangely familiar. Then Harry's heart leaped up into his head and danced the Bolero when he saw who was waiting to greet him. 

"Hermione!" Harry stood still for a few seconds, then flung his arms around her. Hermione returned the gesture, laughing out of happiness. Harry withdrew, then looked around. He was in the sick bay, and a whole host of old friends were there. Then he saw Malfoy, and hugged him too.   
"I never thought I'd be so glad to see you, Malfoy!" Harry exclaimed. Malfoy pushed Harry away, but couldn't help smiling. At least there wasn't a chance of him being a murderer now! Harry was dazed, there was so much he wanted to ask. "But…how did I get back here?" Hermione, still grinning, pointed towards the Phantasm potion.   
"The same way you left," she said.   
"What's that?" Harry asked, confused. Hermione's smile wavered.   
"The Phantasm potion," she said. "Remember?"   
"No…" said Harry. "Should I?" Malfoy groaned.   
"Don't tell me he's lost his memory now!" he shouted. Dumbledore stepped forwards.   
"You do know who you are, don't you?" he asked.   
"I'm Harry Potter," said Harry, starting to wonder if he had got back to reality after all. Dumbledore faced the teachers.   
"Just a slight case of amnesia," he assured them. "I think Harry's just forgotten how all this came about. I'm sure Hermione and Ron can fill him in on what's been going on." Snape took a step forward.   
"I'm afraid Mr. Weasley will not be contributed to restoring Potter's memory," he said smugly. "His malicious assault on Mr. Malfoy here has earned him suspension from school for two weeks. Dumbledore kept smiling.   
"But Severus, Harry Potter is back! We have every reason to celebrate as much as if, say, Draco here was cured from the effects of the potion. All right, so it didn't work perfectly, but something close to a miracle has occurred. Ron can have his two weeks back!" Before Snape could protest, Dumbledore had marched off, dragging Harry by the arm, ordering another assembly in the Great Hall. The teachers followed, along with Hagrid, who was crying again. That left just Hermione and Malfoy.   
"Er…" said Malfoy.   
"You coming?" asked Hermione. Malfoy looked a bit sheepish.   
"Well, I was just wondering…" he muttered.   
"What?"   
"Do you think you could, sort of, not mention to H-Harry how I, er…you know…" he said. Hermione was about to shout back and angry response, when something else came into her head.   
"Okay…" she said. Malfoy's eyes widened. "I won't tell him, and I'll make sure Ron doesn't, if you do one thing for me. For us."   
"Oh yes, anything!" said Malfoy happily. Hermione smiled slyly. 

Harry was the centre of attention in the following feast, which Dumbledore had ordered as soon as he had woken up. He had decided to tell Ron and Hermione about his adventure first. They couldn't help laughing when Harry described in vivid detail the female Malfoy. Then had come Harry's turn to ask them what had been happening whilst he was in the mad world. Ron and Hermione had looked at each other, then told him how he had accidentally taken a dose of the Phantasm potion when he had mixed it up with the Grungle potion in Snape's lesson. They made sure to get it into his head that Snape wasn't cross or anything, he was just glad that he wasn't going to get sued. Therefore, everything pretty much worked out well. 

Oh, yes, what about Malfoy?   
"Put some effort into it!" shouted Filch. "When people go to use a toilet, they expect it to be clean! I thought you volunteered to do this job!" Malfoy, as he scrubbed, was thinking up a million curses to place on Potter and his miserable little friends. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, that just about wraps it up. Sorry about the spellings in the third part, it was pretty late, and I wasn't concentrating very hard. I'm not sure whether to do another Harry Potter fanfic. I'll probably have to think about it for a long time before I do one. Meanwhile, anybody fancy a Zelda story? Or anything else? Oh yeah, thanks for all your nice reviews. Special thanks to ChinChilla for convincing me it's okay to steal ideas off people. 

DISCLAIMER:   
*ring ring*   
SCULLY: Mulder it's me, listen to me. I've got some vital information - according to these files, you are on totally the wrong tracks.   
MULDER: What do you mean, Scully?   
SCULLY: I mean that the characters in the above fanfic were not created by the Ali N. virus at all.   
MULDER: Well, then who did create them?   
SCULLY: J.K. Rowling.   
MULDER: I can't believe that. She killed my mother!   
SCULLY: Mulder, believe me. I've got it down here on paper. And, Mulder?   
MULDER: What?   
SCULLY: Apparently, we are fictional characters created by Chris Carter.   
MULDER: I'VE BEEN USED!!   
SCULLY: Mulder…we all have. This is just a hundredth of a much wider conspiracy, to fool people into thinking that someone else made up thousands upon thousands of other fictional characters.   
MULDER: Okay, hold on while I do a 180 degrees turn in my car.   
SCULLY: Oh yeah, there's something else, too.   
MULDER: What?   
SCULLY: There's some kind of bounty hunter in the back of your car. Watch your neck, Muld-   
MULDER: AAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHSPPPPPLLLLUUUUTTTTEEERR!!!!!!!   
SCULLY: Mulder, are you okay?   
BOUNTY HUNTER: Is the answer to your question worth dying for? Is that what you want?   
SCULLY: Bye.   
  
  



End file.
